Around the world in 407 days.....

So, our time in NZ draws to a close.

We fly out of Palmerston North tonight, which has been our home for the last 407 days.  We head back to the UK, to the next chapter of our life which no doubt will be just as exciting.

Our final route will take us through the US via Los Angeles, so technically we will have completed our round-the world trip. Phileas Fogg only beat us by 327 days, but I bet he didn't shoot deer, eat Kingfish and go Penguin spotting with a young girl named Scroggin?!

We are excited to be near friends and family that we haven't seen for far too long, and are sorry to leave some newer friends and an unbelievably beautiful country behind.  This has been an amazing two years that we will treasure for the rest of our lives.

Farewell New Zealand; you have been a good friend.

The funniest thing I have read all year....

...and who would have thought that Smurfette was a misogynistic Aryan??  I just thought she was hot!

A wine for the kids....or maybe not?

Just so long as it doesn't take this form.......unless it comes from a certain 'castle' called 'Le Pin'.

It's not McWilliam's, it's mine!

The newest addition to the family!

Finally we welcome Sammy the Sika to our home.  He is a good 'flat' mate.......

Couldn't resist the 'before' photo.....

and the glorious 'after' shot!

and as previously mentioned, soon to be joined by Ronnie the Red!

Coming soon to a wall near you...

I decided that Sammy the Sika was going to need some company, so I went out and found Derek who said he would be only too glad to keep him company.

Excellent.

This was all conveyed at a distance of 249m, message delivered via a 6.8mm bullet travelling at roughly 635m/s.

All that remains now is to get a house with strong enough walls to hold him (and more room in the freezer)!

Derek the deer

'Rapturous' applause required.

Once again, despite the threat of coronary heart disease (from 7 KFC burgers), we appear to have cheated death.

'Rapture' not seen.

However I was looking forward to being beamed up to a cloud and watching the view from there.  Oh well better luck next time.

I think there are only two things better than the world not ending:

1) Watching England win the world cup later this year.
2)  Reading Harold Camping's excuses in the paper tomorrow (just hope he didn't strangle his ex-wife, garrote the bank manager and shoot his boss).

 what      the               hell?             house     ......       shaking                                  thunder                    and                                                            lightn               ning         tsu          ........         nami                   didn't......         get      .............             ........ sums                                                  wrong        .................
                            .............Forgive                             me                          ......             Lord!

Double Down, Double Up, Double Over!

Well now that my dear wife has put a strange sense of normality on the Blog, and no doubt shocked the 3.7 million readers out there by not typing ridiculous missives, I though it high time to return to random ramblings.

So here we are, a real need to share with you the latest import to the fine shores of this country.  And it comes at a time of controversy.  Prime Minister John Key has come under a touch of scrutiny that he has mis-sold New Zealand, and that it in fact is not as green as the '100% Pure' adverts has led certain intrepid travellers to believe.

Now me, being a fervent (and ardent) supporter of the green rolling hills, and babbling trout filled brooks of this fine country was dismayed when I found a source of pollution  far closer to home; one that tarnishes the reputation of healthy living that this country offers.  This is what I found......(and o.k yes tried myself...)

Pollution for the arteries!

Here are the brutal facts of this monstrosity!  480 calories (it only weighs 253g) of those 480 a rather tubby 220 calories come from fat alone (thats 25g of fat, oh yes).  Now moving on to salt....brace yourself....17.7g of salt!  Oh how good it should taste.....

It didn't......I was left feeling decisively rubbish; in fact like I had eaten 25g of fat and a lot of salt....funny that?  God, it doesn't even look that appetising! 

On that happy calorific note I shall end, thankful that I have run 2 half marathons this week, burning off enough calories to eat 7 of these.......feel sick at the prospect.....but what a man test.....an idea forms.....

Stroking the Donkey

Just thought I'd share a few pictures of our nursery school trip to Owlcatraz last week. We (Christopher and I) went together for moral support and were given two children to look after when one would have been plenty. We saw the usual petting zoo animals, including Groundskeeper Willie from The Simpsons, whose first words to us were "I'm feeding the chickens over here because if they go near the pig she'll eat them. You think I'm joking? Well let me tell you it's happened more than once. Did you know a pig can strip a human carcass in a few hours, leaving nothing behind but the top of your skull and your boots?"

We then turned around to see all the children lined up along the side of the pig's enclosure, hands underneath the post and rail fencing, tickling the pig under the chin. Two heart attacks later, it appeared that the pig was more interested in eating frozen hot cross buns than chipolata fingers. Thankfully (or sadly, depending on your take on badly behaved toddlers) no children were harmed in the making of this blog.

Jocelyn touches a big animal for the first time ever. I was so proud!

The child with her finger up her nose is called Zara. I like to think she is channelling the Royal family in this shot.

Best friends Jocelyn and Iliana

Jocelyn and Iliana talking to 'Storm'.

The child with her finger up her nose is called Jocelyn. She is channelling her father in this shot.

And finally Jocelyn stroked the pony and even fed him some grass.

Hickstead, Blenheim, Badminton, Burghley....Joss Scott is on the way.

The beginning of the end?

Hello and welcome to the Scott Musical Academy. So far she only knows one note (or perhaps two, depending on how hard she blows) - and boy is it squeeky. She is of course absolutely delighted to be playing the "flute like Dora's", who, for those that don't know, is her mother, cousin, sister, friend and daughter, or sometimes a combination of the five.

A virtuoso performance

To add insult to injury, I didn't wipe her fingers after letting her eat a chocolate biscuit, so the poor thing smells like butter and is doubtless filled with wet crumbs.

Needless to say, the dog is not best pleased with Jocelyn's choice of musical repertoire and has repaired to her bed in a grump.

As fas as other news goes, I have had an informative few days at the local Boys High School sitting at the back of science lessons, absorbing the atmosphere (and various underarm aromas) of the classroom in a bid to decide whether I can wait a year to learn to teach Biology of whether I should just cut my losses and take up Physics or Chemistry instead. I have come to the somewhat strange conclusion that it's Chemistry for me, and I hope to start a course of some variety in October of this year. For those of you who remember Mr Hart, of Stonar School fame, this is one in the eye to the most uninspiring, grey, over-the-hill teacher ever. Of course I was very fond of him despite the hideous comb over and resemblance to Hermann Munster, but I plan to do a whole lot better with my students than he ever did, and I promise faithfully never to give lectures on "Common Courtesy". Most of all, I promise never to touch a Nuffield Science textbook unless it is to throw it into the fire.

A Royal wine for a Royal wedding!

After much deliberation (well about 2.7 seconds actually) I decided that it was necessary to hold our very own street party here in NZ to celebrate the Royal wedding.

Naturally I got in touch with the local council to check that it was o.k. and that I wouldn't be contravening any 'elf 'n safety by-laws passed in 1980's (the decade in which common sense was superseded by self serving idiots who think that mountains of red-tape and bureaucracy make life easier for us all).  However, the council got back in touch with me, and told me that my proposed plans for the party would block a major bus route that goes down our road (a well know cul-de-sac in Palmy).  I told them that the 3.7 million people who had confirmed attendance would be most upset, they didn't care.  The street party was off, so we had to make do with just the two of us and our living room.  Ho-hum.

So, I checked to cellar to see what booze we had in stock, and I came across a rather suitable bottle.

It was rather good.  The Duke and Duchess have already been on the phone to commend my choice of plonk, and also added that they were upset I couldn't attend the function. C'est la vie, maybe next time?

'A wine for everyone' goes from strength to strength.

Here we go with the latest installation of the ever popular Wine sightings. This feature is now 'trending' in 57 countries world wide.

So here she is, the latest and potentially most exciting wine to date.



I am now accepting suggestions on 'who's who?' on the label.

Stand by for another wine sighting, with a theme!

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Location:Hewitts Rd,Linton,New Zealand

A wine for everyone....new sighting!

Spotted on our recent trip to Dunedin.  Sampled as well.

Tasting notes included "...a pungent aroma..."

Bicycle not included.

I'm sure this doesn't happen anywhere else...

... I mean most people go to hunt chocolate eggs, not the producers of the eggs? Still it's awesome, should be applauded, and put quite simply 'I want a go'.




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Location:High St,Dunedin,New Zealand

All the gear....no idea!

With the parents ever increasing exercise regime (72.35 miles completed this month, just to throw that out there), Jocelyn has obviously taken note.

So, this morning when I suggested we might go and get dressed, the answer given was "Daddy, I'm just going for a run first...".  I still wonder where she learn't the art of procrastination....must be her mother.

So, always to encourage exercise I said that I would see her later, and that she should have fun.

"O.K." she said, "but I must get my iPod first..." excellent.

This went on until she was decked out as below....

Heart rate monitor, iPod, headphones, watch...

So with OxBridge of the cards, maybe we should focus on stardom as an international athlete?

The 'Before and After' Shot

We have just spent a lovely weekend with friends at Mairenui, which is a farm-stay in the middle of nowhere (as most places in NZ seem to be).

Mairenui Farm-Stay

The usual crowd, packed the usual things: Beer, Guns (various types), fishing gear and more beer.

As we arrived, 2 of the guys had just returned from a hunt, where John shot his first deer (called Tractor, for obvious reasons). A fine Red Deer, this quickly led to a lot of men-folk standing around the animal, drinking beer and slapping each other on the back. It was then mentioned that a flock (or is it gabble?) or turkey had been sighted. Men rushed for their guns and set off in pursuit of the stupid looking creatures. I had the honour of leading the "Great Turkey Shoot" a greta idea we all thought, or maybe it was the beer talking....? Men, beer, guns...what could possibly go wrong? Well the turkey answered that question.

Before.

A fine shot (or two) of at least 600m dispatched poor Terence, more manly back slapping and more beer. More importantly, more food for the Scott table.

Terence the Turkey 'hanging out' with
Tractor the Deer. Conversation wasn't up to much.

The following morning, with a slightly sore head, and slightly less enthusism to shoot stuff, we went for a walk around the farm, and saw some fairly impressive beasts. Jocelyn was keen to learn how to become 'Hunter / Gatherer' like her Dad, because, quite frankly I am not very good at it.

The next generation

So with a bit of practice, hopefully Jocelyn will be putting the food on the table, instead of me.

The letter 'Me'

Whilst having some quality 'Father-Daughter' I thought we would carry on our work on the alphabet.

We had a good start with the usual letters, I write them down and Jocelyn tells me what they are:

"...D for Daddy...J for Jocelyn...M for Mummy...G for Grandpa..." (sorry Granny you have been ousted).

Then we stepped up a gear..."B for Trixy-B...H for Aunty Harriet...S for Uncle George..." (I have no idea where this came from, but Jocelyn was happy).

Excellent I thought, began to download OxBridge application forms when suddenly a purple crayon was thrust at me.  "Draw Purple Daddy".  O.K. I thought that to stimulate further learning I would write purple, in purple (cunning), the following conversation then occurred:

Jocelyn:  "Whats that?"

Me:  "That's a letter P"

Jocelyn:  "yes it is, whats that one?"

Me:  "that's a U"

Jocelyn:  "yes it is, thats a Me"

Me:  "errr, no, thats the letter U"

Jocelyn:  "yes it is, its the letter Me, its my letter..."

OxBridge forms now in the bin.

Another day at the office...

I have just been up on 'exercise' in Auckland for the past 4 days.  The usual packing list was strictly adhered to.

1.  Fishing kit

2.  Hunting kit

3.  Sunglasses

......

101.  Random Army stuff

Whilst up there we managed to get access onto private land, and found the most amazing fishing spot yet.  After a bit of a scramble ono the rock, you could cast into a 40m deep pool where you could see schools of Snapper cruising around, Stingray and sharks.  Then the fishing began, with Snapper after Snapper being hauled in.  The family will get to eat this month at last.

Simply amazing.

The 'pump tyre'

Now we are returned to an autumnal New Zealand after a great trip back to the U.K the usual post-binge-drink programme must be started.

What better way to do this than by getting on the roads on ones spiffingly fantastic new road bike.

To ensure it was still in tip-top condition I had my little helper take a quick look....

Operating the so called 'pump tyre'

To the tarmac!

Eavesdropping and people watching...

Not being one to criticise or cast judgement, but... I feel I have to share this one with you.

I sit at Auckland International airport minding my own business, watching Jocelyn happily playing in the kids area when along walks/wobbles a very large woman (nearly typed lady) from the US of A, accompanied by her 2 rather rotund twin children (I would guess aged 4'ish).

The first thing that caught my attention (after the sheer size) was mother saying "...you two had better have finished your chocolate doughnuts, or else..." surely these two rolly pollys should have a 2 nautical mile radius chocolate ban placed on them? They are quite clearly of the salad dodging variety.

I understand this may be construed as being slightly hypocritical following today's earlier photo of the wee Scroggin at McDonalds...but unlike these two tubbies, Jocelyn's height remains bigger than her waist circumference. I feel at ease with my views.

Now for the gem in the crown of this little ditty. Mother calls out her kids names....

"Jackson, Presley..."

Really? Yes, I did hear that correctly! A true blinder.

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Location:Cyril Kay Rd,Auckland Airport,New Zealand

Social irresponsibility

It was only ever a question of time.




It is now a slippery slope till she is featuring in the toddler version of 'Supersize Me'. Someone phone Esther at Childline, quick!

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Location:Mataroa Rd,Taihape,New Zealand

Interesting how these things happen...

In my last post I mentioned that certain things are taken to extremes by certain people.  Yes, I scoffed at it, poked fun et cetera, et cetera...  Do not worry at this stage, for my legs remain with hair on them, and my calfs (or on a human is the plural calves; as usual answers on a postcard please?) remain un-tattooed, I don't even have a shit numberplate....but....I have now completed my first triathlon and just bought myself a swanky nice road bike.

Is this the start of a slippery slope?  I hope not, as it will not be just me, but my dear wife too.  For we now have the 'His 'n Hers' bikes....dear God, I didn't realise life could deteriorate so fast.

Yes, there is lycra to boot.

Obsession, things can be taken too far...

We have just arrived home from a short break in Taupo, which we spent with a friend of ours we both went through RMAS with, and latterly I did YO's with. Awesome to catch up, after 6 years, and especially in a place as great as this.

This is a two part entry really, with the part part covering our good fortune. On booking our accommodation in Taupo, I was pleasantly informed that due to a system error the room that we wanted to book, was already booked out, would I mind accepting an upgrade to the Penthouse suite? At nigh on $1000 a night, and quickly confirming they wouldn't upgrade my bill, I graciously accepted.
The front door was then knocked upon, and it was the friendly postie with a parcel. It turned out to be my honey that I had ordered. Inside was a lovely note saying that they had run out of the 500g jars, so replaced it with a 1 Kg jar instead. Excellent. I am sure most other people would have just put 2 x 250g in? Suffice to say, it was turning out to be a good day!

So on to the second part.

On arrival in Taupo there was an abundance of Lycra clad folk, with pointy helmets, compression socks, and wet suits. Yes, you guessed it, this weekend is the Lake Taupo Iron Man. For those of you that do not know, this is an endurance race comprising of a 4km swim, followed by a 180km bike, followed by a 42km run (yep, that's a marathon). One word; crazy. So, the people that do this are certainly dedicated folk; this I noticed more and more. There were shaved legs everywhere, and not just in the ladies. It was whilst noticing this phenomenon that I saw a few tattoos of the 'Iron Man' symbol being sported on freshly shaved calves; I saw both the black and red variants. And just when I thought that people couldn't get any more dedicated, or obsessed I saw this:




A step too far, me thinks.

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Location:Alamein Grove,Linton Camp,New Zealand

How old?

...just as a quick aside to everything else, I have just had to have my passport renewed.  On looking at my bright and shiny, spanking new bio-metric passport I notice that by the time I next have to have a new one, I will be 41 years old...

How depressing is that?  As always, answers on a postcard please.

A wine for everyone.

Now the earthquake excitement has diminished ever so slightly, I thought that I should try to return this blog to a vague degree of normality.

So in the same vain of the extreme coffee making (yes that is still ongoing) I have decided to embark on a new challenge.  It is called....drum roll please...

"A Wine for Everybody"

So, what is this all about I hear you ask?  Well, as per the "extreme coffee making" challenge, this too is an open challenge, and I invite my millions of readers around the world to help me out.  

The rules are simple.  Find a wine named after, or that describes someone you know well, and post a picture of the label to me for entry.

...so here are the examples to get you started

1)  This is fairly obvious and to illustrate the simplicity of the idea:

Any resemblance to real people or animals, is entirely coincidental. 

2)  Now we start on the slightly more humorous:

Same disclaimer applies!

3) Finally I saw this one, and invite you to link the wine to the person.  As always, answers on a postcard, please:

p.s. any photos submitted of the wine named "Fat Bastard" and linked to the author will be ignored.  Linked to anyone else and they will, of course, be accepted. 

Pictures from Christchurch

What's left of one of the local churches

One of the buildings in the suburbs where  the chimney breast has been completely separated from the house.  This, believe it or not, was one of the lucky houses; some were literally split in two.

'Liquifaction' where sand has mixed with water and been forced up through the roads, leaving, in some places, a metre of silt.

One of the roads where there was more water than sand.  Flooding has been a real problem.

The police car reinforcement.  This was one of three triple trailer of ' the fuzz'.

On the outskirts of the CBD.  This was a very common sight.

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Lyttelton

I have just been through to Lyttelyon, which was the epi-centre of the quake.

To get there from Christchurch you have to go through the tunnel, which as a member a the Defence Force you get an all access pass. There are a few alarming cracks in the tunnel, but apparently we are special and immune from that sort of thing. The general consensus was '...sod being in the tunnel when that went off...' that was quickly re-enforced when on jumping out of the vehicle to talk to the engineers an after shock ran through.

The damage seems largely localised to the CBD and Lyttelton, a short distance from there, buildings are largely untouched. The pavements and roads however are rippled like speedbumps.



This is the state of the building, or what's left of it, at the entrance to the Lyttelton tunnel.

We are scaling down now, and hope to return north tomorrow.

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Location:Winchester St,Lyttelton,New Zealand

Christchurch

A quick update as I drive through Christchurch. The city is unfortunately in ruins. The press has not sensationalised it one bit.

The roads are like roller coasters, huge lumps and the holes. Silt is everywhere, and buildings flattened. Strangely the churches have taken the biggest hits. I have not seen a single one standing.

A real act of God.

I will try to put some photos up in time.

Christchurch; not a good place to be.


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Location:Harakeke St,Riccarton,New Zealand

Wine, wine everywhere & you guessed it...

...not a drop to drink.

The convoy has now got to the south island after commandeering a ferry. A few upset tourists later, and we steamed out of Wellington to cross the Cook Straits. Thankfully it was calm, and the kind ferry operator put on cooked breakfasts for us all free of charge, and then proceeded to boot out all the remaining civvies from the lounge area so we could sleep. Much appreciated as we have had approximately 2 hours sleep in the past 24 and it's a long drive to Christchurch.

So the drive is going well, we have passed an historic railway station, 2 historic cottages and my personal favourite the historic bridge. I felt I had to include a picture of said bridge albeit taken through a bug splattered windscreen of a moving vehicle. Excellent.




Onwards!

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Off to Christchurch.

Normally I am able to give a nice picture of something to compliment my ramblings, but alas not this time. This is due to the fact that it is 0430 and I'm in an armoured vehicle heading down to Wellington in order to sail to the South Island and assist with the disaster relief efforts in Christchurch.

Normally I have at least a vague idea of what to expect when I deploy with the army. For example: Iraq...are people going to try and blow me up? Yes. Afghanistan...are people dressed in bed sheets and flip-flops/jandals/thongs going to shoot at me? Yes. Earthquake relief in Christchurch? Not a bloody clue.

Still, another thing to add to the list of experiences that Her Majesty's finest have got me doing.

So, depending on the state of the mobile network down there, prepare to watch this space. I will endeavour to capture what it's like regardless, and post at a later date.

How long will this all take? They have said prepare for 14 days. Just so long as I am back for my flight to Blighty on 22 Mar....


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Location:Johnstone Dr,Fitzherbert,New Zealand

Heave ho 'me hearty!

All nautical jokes now accepted! We are on the good ship 'Wai-Tanic' in Waitomo of course.

This, without a shadow of doubt, has to be the strangest, most bizarre, oddest place I have ever stayed. The accommodation offered was a Hobbit hole, a railway carriage, a Bristol bomber or a WW2 patrol ship.

Due to current family configuration we found ourselves in the rear section of a re-furbed Kiwi WW2 patrol ship.




Must confess that I didn't see that one coming when I was booking places to stay.

Still, what an awesome place, and with hindsight I can say that no trip to New Zealand is complete without a stay on a land locked old iron tub.

Needless to say the jokes have been rife with quips port starboard and centre. Jocelyn even welcomed into the unit by saying "permission to come aboard Daddy"!!

But by far the most amusing thong was seeing the door into Richard and Christine's bedroom....




It's about 4ft high!! Still, at least the mother-in-law didn't have to duck!

A 'stern' look delivered after that gag...

So from the high seas of land locked Waitomo, good night; tales of black water rafting to follow (google it!)

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For Gods sake don't mention the war....

After a very pleasant stat on the shores of Lake Rotoiti (it took three days to learn how to pronounce it; Row-toy-eat-ee) we are now off in search of Glow worms in Waitomo. Much to my delight we go through the town of Tirau that is the home of wrinkly tin!



An early morning view from the 'dick'

So now off to Waitomo to stay on a WW2 patrol boat. Yes, correct, a boat. Watch this space for much nautical humour!

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Location:Tumoana Rd,Tikitere,New Zealand

All that chocolate....

Just a little bit cccrrrraaaazzzzyyyy!




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Location:Tumoana Rd,Tikitere,New Zealand

Optical illusion?

No, the 'chocolate cup of tea' really was that big!



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Location:Miller St,Glenholme,New Zealand

New Zealand's most photographed building

I thought that I should really keep the statistics going, so here it is in all it's glory.




...and as a closing point, %80 of all statistics are made up, and %30 of people believe that.


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More from the world of extreme coffee making...

I feel that this is a sport that could catch on, and is most definitely worthy of inclusion at the 2012 Olympics. Extreme ironing caught on, and that is a sport for girls (literally).

So here we go, coffee with a view.




Stay tuned for the next edition of your favourite sport 'Extreme Coffee NZ' !

I invite my millions of followers to send me their very own pictures of caffeine fuelled madness!


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Location:Moawhango Bridge Rd,Waiouru Military Area,New Zealand

You lucky people...

Well here you all go. As I am so generous, I thought that I would give you 2 sky photos in one.




Pretty good huh?

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Google maps not to be trusted.

This is just a quick note to those of you that use google maps for planning. It is not to be trusted.

Here is an example of why not :

1) looking at the picture below, google maps tells me where I am.



2) I concur with this, I am indeed where it says I am.

3) Then I think that it can't be correct due to the lack of cloud on the picture.

4) To confirm what I already know, I check the up to date rain radar, and see the following:



5) Correct. It is lashing down.

6) Therefore I can't be where Google maps says I am, because it isn't raining there.

So there you have it, Google maps is not to be trusted. And I am also not driving a blue blob.

Glad I cleared that one up.

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Location:Moawhango Bridge Rd,Waiouru Military Area,New Zealand

Best practice?

Not entirely sure if this is the recommend use of the coffee perc, but it is blowing a gale outside, and I really need a cup of coffee.



For the safety conscious amongst you, worry not as I have managed to secure a Nespresso machine for next week.

Look out for more entries on extreme coffee making in Waiouru!

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Location:Moawhango Bridge Rd,Waiouru Military Area,New Zealand

They Sika him here, they Sika him there.....

Well, just a brief 'blog' to share with you all that I have ticked another of my 'must do's' before I leave New Zealand.

I would like to introduce you to Sam the Sika Stag (kind of roles nicely off the tongue?).

I tracked him down in Waiouru and managed to get to 149m in order to 'dispatch' him.

He will most certainly be feeding the family for a while, and his rather lovely coat will decorate a wall or floor in a few weeks time, after the tanner has finished with him (shame about the hole in it).

Venison anyone?!





After Sam the Sika became bereft of life, an ex-Sika you might say, he very handily turned into a back-pack for the long walk back to the truck.





For those of a weak constitution, unlucky. Go to a shop where meat is grown, and no animals are harmed!!



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Location:Holmes Rd,Waiouru Military Camp,New Zealand